Complete power in weakness.

Then he said to me, "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12:9


    You know that feeling deep in your gut when you're having a nightmare and you're running, fighting, or even hiding for your life?  Then you wake up and you are really relieved to know there is life outside of that nightmare? That's the type of desperation and relief I've felt lately. A desperation that knows I'm so close and susceptible to falling into Satan's trap and yet a relief in knowing I can cling to a life sheltered in the wings of my Protector. I've gotten some really encouraging feedback about the example of strength I've shown with everything; ironically, I want you to know that being weak has really been what has helped me most--its driven me to places I've never been.

  In weakness, I've come to understand that I am no better than anyone else --even those who have directly hurt me. I am capable of pretty horrible things, and the thought of the alternative directions my life could have gone is sobering. Whether you have known me only a disciple or you knew me before college, I want you to know who I really was. First, I want you to know that I appeared pretty 'good' outwardly to those who knew of me (although, what is good and where is the standard of determining that anyway?..opinion based apparently), but inside my heart I was jacked up!  Living in insecurity, I let the opinions people had of me dictate EVERYTHING I did--dress, talk, act, befriend, ect. I was cowardly and refused to stand up for anything out of fear. I was self focused and pleasure seeking. I put my hopes and self worth in whether or not guys were attracted to me. I lied to make others 'like' me more. I gossiped all the time. I absolutely lacked self control. I never considered people before myself in any situation, and even if I did it was for selfish motives. I stole and encouraged others to do the same. I started to turn to alcohol to make me feel accepted and depended on the buzz to feed my need for instant gratification. I often secluded myself to maintain selfishness. I was critical and merciless when it came to the shortcomings of others--I swore I'd never be like them (deceived, I was already worse off then their shortcomings). I would vow to be independent and to never ask anyone for help because I thought I was fine alone. I always had plan B's and had a very unfaithful heart in life--And those are just things I can think of off the top of my head. I'm grateful that I no longer have to be defined by these characteristics and am able to be transformed. It's mind blowing to figure out the roots of all those issues in my heart, but I know that this is who I turn right back into when I start doing things on my own. I feel weak in admitting those characteristics, but if I was such an 'awesome' person, where's room for God's awesomeness in my life? I wouldn't need him.

  In my 'strength', I can often run from the idea of crying or being broken; the vulnerability is completely against what I am used to. Fortunately there is a lot of peace that comes from admitting I am weak, that I need people in my life to help me, and allowing myself to cry all the time. Giving into the reality of humility, I start seeing things fall into place; when your strong enough to let go of the guards, walls, and lies that say everything is 'fine', it's then that there's much hope and power. Being in company with other repentant jacked up people, God's grace is truly displayed when we're able to grow to help one another.

  Weakness pushes us to breaking points in order to show us that true strength doesn't come from us, but the one who created our very being. 'He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.' Isaiah 40:29 <3   Only with God are we able to have lasting strength.


-Ashley