When things don't make sense, it's okay.

January 11, 2014

So, it's a new year..

(side note: I feel silly having a blog again, but here it is! The last time I had a blog was myspace and xanga like 6 years ago..wow. I'm getting old)

Dear Future me,

Please, remember this time of your life. I wouldn't want you to regret it, or even worse, repeat it.

Love,
Past you.

Well, let me start by saying that 2013 was the best/worst year of my life. The best because I've been given opportunities to learn things about myself and my walk with God I've never learned before. The worst because I've never felt so much heartache in my life ever.

Starting January of last year I was able to finish out my associates in college (finally! I've been doing missionary work for the past 5 years and put it to the side for a while). I was able to serve in the ministry full-time. I was able to visit family for the holidays. I was engaged to a man I couldn't wait to start my life with. That June we got married! We moved up to San Francisco from San Jose. My dreams felt like they were on their way to being fully accomplished ..But don't get too excited, after 3 months of being married, I decided it'd be best to get an annulment/divorce.

As a little girl, you envision your wedding day to be the start of happily ever after, and when it's not you wonder whats wrong with me? The thing is, nothing has to be wrong with you. God just has a different plan. I thought I did everything the right way; I invested in building a strong friendship, had similar goals and dreams, kept the relationship pure until marriage, got advice and counseling. But my husband had a part of him that, no matter how much one tries to hide or suppress, seeped through within a matter of months. He had been unfaithful. An act that cuts so deep, yet still forgivable. Sometimes though, you learn to accept that a relationship isn't a relationship without trust and wholeheartedness. I fought to salvage something that was already destroyed.

"And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you" - a great big world.

It has been a challenging past couple of months, but this is not an end to a sad story-- this is just the beginning of a new direction. I don't have answers to why everything happens, but I see reasoning unfolding. During these past couple of months, I've learned what it means to truly surrender my 'plan'. I've learned what it feels like to let the spirit intercede in my prayers when all I have left are tear-filled sighs. I've learned how to be confident in a better future. I've grasped the feeling of gratitude from understanding that Jesus died even for the people who didn't love him back. I've seen God answer numerous prayers. I've been refreshed by many friendships that I would truly die for. I've learned to laugh louder and give love easier. I've been more comfortable in my own skin just being me. it truly has been the best year.

I am excited for this 2014! So far I was able to travel to LA and see friends from around the world. I am currently on an ultimate frisbee winning streak. I started the '5am club'. The families I nanny for are amazing. We just had an incredible workshop for our church (SFBICC.org). Life is good. ;)