and just when I thought my tears were dry, there came the box.

  After weeks of learning to deal with the emotions, tonight was a random reminder of just how hard it is.

  Before I get into it, the past couple of weeks have been amazing. I was accepted into the ICCM (a college for ministry). I was asked to move to LA. My bosses have all been completely supportive of this decision. My subtle and random prayers have been continually answered in awesome ways. Things have felt like they've kept falling into place.

  ..So, back to THE box.

  I decided to organize my couple-of-boxes worth of stuff, throwing away old papers, planners, the usual pile up of unwanted objects. Then I came across THE box. The dreaded box I had packed up months ago, pushed aside, and out of mind. Inside my gut I heard a voice saying don't open it, leave it be, but I ignored it. I opened the box and there it was, two years worth of dating, engagement, and marriage memorabilia.

  I've fought many internal conversations on what I should do with all of the memories:

Throw it away, it's pointless to hold on to all the lies.

Was it all a lie? was I that easily deceived?

Hold on to it, you could sell your dress.

Why, who would want a piece of a very unfortunate memory, a share of my misfortune?

Don't throw it all away, you'll never get those years of your life back. At least you will have pictures to validate that you actually lived during those years, that it was real--you're real--it all really did happen.

You cant just throw a person away.

  This month I will be filing for an annulment, and while I am resolved in this decision, I hate that this box brings so many emotions. I prayed tonight after going through a couple memories. God, I feel like a failure. I wish I could have changed things, knew better.

  I can feel the struggle in my heart; I try my best to sift through the lies and reality. Satan, myself, and my assumptions can make me believe that I'm damaged goods--that I'm unworthy. Another attempt on Satan's part to pull my focus, faith, and attention to anything but God. I'm not going to give into it though. I've fought too much over the years to let anything come in between me and my love towards God. I won't give in.

  Instead, I am focusing on what I am grateful for. I know that people have gone through far worse situations, and I need to remember that. I'm so grateful for the sovereignty of God, that he sees, hears, answers, and heals me everyday. I am grateful that I am able to live without animosity or bitterness. I am grateful for forgiveness. I am grateful to know who I am, what I believe, and have a hope of a future. I am grateful for the support, advice and direction I've received.

  Still learning to accept this weakness, grateful for tonight's reminder.


Until later,
Ashley