Judgmental and prideful--my downfalls.

"Judgmental and prideful" I thought to myself--surely not me!

Unfortunately I was not imagining those very words that came from a mouth of a woman who I knew deeply cared about me.

I've been out here in Palm Desert for about two months now. I love that everyone out here pretty much knows everyone; it's a small area with not too much excitement, yet it fills me with adventure to see how God will work in the hearts of the women. It is an honor and a privilege to be here and help lead the women--however, I know that I am always just a decision away from following God or choosing to follow my sinful nature.

I never thought that I would have the characteristics of judgment and pride within my being. I did not grow up with reason to be such way; I am not distinctly talented at anything, I'm not successful according to anyone's standards of success, I am not a naturally social person, I'm not an amazingly intellectual person, I certainly lacked ambition, and I was not perfect in any way. I'm just, for lack of a better word--boring. Yet the more time goes by, the more I see who I've allowed myself to become through an attempt to make an identity.

A week (or so) ago as I was having a discipling time (mentoring) with the ministry leader that oversees me, she had a sober talk with me about what my pride (independence, lack of love, lack of humility) and judgmentalness (thinking more highly of some people than others, even myself) can do; it hinders me from growing and God really being able to use me. God opposes the proud. It amazes me how quickly I can start basing worth on abilities or characteristics that people have. It turns everything into competition and a dog-eat-dog way of life. This is clearly not what God wants.

After studying out many scriptures on these sinful attitudes I realized how much they are rooted in insecurity. God never used the people we would expect him to use to lead and help his people. He picks David, the youngest shepherd brother--a boy after God's heart. He chose Gideon, a fearful man who needed many signs from God. He chose Moses, an insecure person of speech. He chose Peter, a complete failure at following Jesus--and yet Jesus still believes in him to follow out his will for the church and his people to be taken care of. This is who God chose, but when I forget who God is I can look upon situations as if they have to be earned or gained. God always chooses the person with the heart, not ability. I am so grateful for the wake-up call that God gives me. Who am I? simply a servant to my Lord. I am weak, fragile, and absolutely unable to do anything Godly without God as my strength.

I am ashamed of how I let my logical thinking dictate my view of people. It hurts people, creates insecurity in them, and shows me how wrong I can be. Salvation is completely determined on the decision to love; if I cannot love people like Jesus loved, then what am I trying to do? I'm grateful that I have been shown this area that I radically get to change in my life. Who am I? a person just like everyone else to do their best.

I hope this helps you to see who I am; a work in progress! I think I've had a resume relationship with Jesus in the past-- a "look at what I did" list of my so called accomplishments for God, but what matters is who am I right now, today? I do not deserve anything for what I've done because my reward has already been given. salvation. There is nothing to prove, nothing to earn, just a heart to be continuously purified.

If you read all this thank you :) pray for me as I continue to work on my heart! (thank God for discipling ;) )

Btw, I'll be going to Dallas sept. 3-9th to see my family and go to the DFW ICC inaugural service. If anyone from Tulsa wants to drive up, let me know!!

-Ash